Signs He Is Pulling Away

When someone you care about starts withdrawing — shorter texts, cancelled plans, emotional distance — the instinct is to assume the worst: he's losing interest. But relationship psychology tells a more nuanced story.

Withdrawal in relationships is often a manifestation of deactivating strategies — unconscious behaviours that avoidantly attached people use to create distance when intimacy feels threatening. According to Amir Levine and Rachel Heller's research in Attached, approximately 25% of the population has an avoidant attachment style, meaning they learned in childhood that closeness leads to pain and independence equals safety.

The cruel irony: pulling away is often triggered by increasing closeness, not decreasing feelings. The relationship is going well, feelings are deepening, and the avoidant brain sounds the alarm: too close, too vulnerable, too much to lose.

This doesn't mean every withdrawal is attachment-driven. Stress, depression, life transitions, and genuine loss of interest all cause pulling away too. The key is learning to tell the difference — and knowing how to respond without making things worse.

The critical distinction: attachment-driven withdrawal is triggered by closeness and follows a predictable hot-cold pattern. Situational withdrawal is triggered by external events and tends to be more consistent (he withdraws across all areas of life, not just the relationship).

John Gottman's research on flooding explains much of the physiology behind pulling away. During emotionally intense interactions, some people experience a surge in heart rate (above 100 BPM), cortisol, and adrenaline that makes it physiologically impossible to think clearly or engage empathically.

When flooded, the prefrontal cortex (rational thinking) goes offline and the amygdala (threat detection) takes over. The person enters fight-or-flight — and for avoidant individuals, the default is flight. Withdrawal isn't a choice in this state; it's an involuntary nervous system response.

Research also shows that avoidant individuals "suppress expression, but not sensation." They may appear calm on the surface, but their cortisol levels and heart rates are often as high as those with anxious attachment. The apparent coldness is a mask over intense internal arousal.

This is why pursuing someone who is flooded makes things worse — their system is already in overdrive, and more emotional input registers as more threat. Gottman recommends a structured 20-minute break with a commitment to return and re-engage once the nervous system has regulated.

A single episode of pulling away is normal. Every relationship has periods of closeness and distance. But when withdrawal becomes a recurring cycle — closeness → trigger → withdrawal → reunion → closeness → trigger — you're likely caught in the anxious-avoidant trap.

In this cycle, the anxious partner's pursuit triggers the avoidant partner's withdrawal, which triggers more pursuit, which triggers more withdrawal. Both partners are acting out of fear — one fears abandonment, the other fears engulfment — and neither can stop the spiral alone.

Research suggests this pattern can shift if both partners develop awareness of the cycle and practice "opposite actions": the anxious partner delays pursuit by 20 minutes; the avoidant partner stays present for 10% longer than feels comfortable. Small, repeated experiments build new neural pathways and slowly shift the dynamic toward earned security.

If the pattern persists despite both partners' efforts, couples therapy — particularly Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — can help name the cycle as the shared enemy rather than blaming either partner.

If you're reading this page, there's a good chance you have an anxious attachment style — because securely attached people tend to give space naturally and don't spiral when a partner withdraws. That's not a criticism; it's information that can change your life.

Anxious attachment makes you hyper-attuned to your partner's emotional shifts. You notice micro-changes in tone, text timing, and body language that others miss. This sensitivity is a genuine strength — but when paired with an avoidant partner, it creates a feedback loop where your vigilance triggers their withdrawal, which triggers more vigilance.

The path forward isn't to suppress your attachment needs — it's to build earned security by:

• Understanding your triggers and learning to self-soothe before pursuing
• Building a network of emotional support beyond your partner
• Choosing partners who are willing to grow toward security together
• Working with a therapist on attachment-focused healing

Not sure about your attachment style? Our Attachment Style Quiz can give you a starting point. For a spiritual perspective on whether this person is the right match, explore a Is He The One tarot reading or check your Zodiac Compatibility.

If the withdrawal is deactivation-driven, the answer is usually yes — especially if you give space without punishment. Clinical research shows that avoidant individuals typically feel a "boomerang" of attachment between 6 weeks and 3 months after significant distance. Once the threat of the relationship is removed, their suppressed feelings surface.

The less you pursue, the faster this tends to happen. Calm non-pursuit communicates emotional maturity, which is the single most attractive quality to an avoidant partner. Conversely, frantic pursuit confirms their fear that relationships are "too much."

However, there's an important caveat: him coming back isn't enough. If he returns but the same cycle repeats — closeness, trigger, withdrawal, reunion — nothing has changed. The goal isn't reunion; it's growth. Both partners need to develop the skills to handle closeness without the cycle recurring.

For spiritual guidance on whether this person will return, you might explore a Will They Come Back tarot reading or ask the Yes or No Oracle.