We spend a lot of time talking about red flags - and for good reason. But if you've grown up with insecure attachment, dysfunction can feel so "normal" that you genuinely don't know what healthy looks like. A secure relationship can feel "boring" to someone whose nervous system is calibrated for chaos.
This checklist draws on three major frameworks: Gottman's Sound Relationship House, Stan Tatkin's PACT model of secure functioning, and Sue Johnson's ARE model of emotional responsiveness. It's not about perfection - no relationship hits every item all the time. It's about the overall pattern.
Based on Sue Johnson's ARE model: Accessibility - "Can I reach you?"
Based on Gottman's research - see our full guide on the Four Horsemen of Relationships.
Based on Tatkin's PACT model: protect the "couple bubble" - the mutual agreement that the relationship comes first.
This is interdependence - the healthy middle ground between codependency and avoidant isolation.
Based on Sue Johnson's ARE model: Responsiveness and Engagement.
Based on Gottman's seventh level: Creating Shared Meaning.
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“If you grew up with insecure attachment, a healthy relationship can feel boring at first. That's not a red flag — it's your nervous system recalibrating from chaos to safety. Give it time. Stability is not the same as stagnation.”
This isn't a pass/fail test. No relationship hits every item all the time. The purpose is to help you calibrate your expectations - especially if you've spent time in unhealthy relationships and aren't sure what "normal" looks like.
You're in a good place. Focus on the areas where there's room for growth, and keep investing in the connection.
That's not necessarily a crisis - but it's information worth exploring. Consider whether the gaps are about skill (can be learned) or about willingness (much harder to change). Couples therapy can help identify which.
Compare this list to our guides on narcissistic relationship signs, trauma bonding, and the Four Horsemen. Understanding what's going wrong is the first step to deciding what to do about it.
Good. Knowing what you're looking for - and refusing to settle for less - is itself a sign of earned security. Understanding your attachment style will help you recognise both the green flags and the red ones faster.
Attachment style is not a fixed destiny. Adults who grew up with insecure attachment - anxious, avoidant, or disorganised - can develop earned secure attachment through self-awareness, therapy, and consistently safe relationships.
This process involves creating what Daniel Siegel calls a coherent narrative - understanding how your childhood shaped you and developing the "response flexibility" to react thoughtfully rather than automatically to relational triggers.
Relational health is a skill-based practice. By recognising the patterns described across our relationship psychology guides - from limerence to the anxious-avoidant trap to love bombing - you can implement the proven strategies of repair, boundary-setting, and emotional engagement to build bonds that are truly resilient.
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Your attachment style shapes what feels "normal" in relationships - including whether this checklist looks familiar or foreign. Understanding yours is the foundation for building something healthier.
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