Relationship Psychology

Healthy Relationship Checklist

30 Research-Based Green Flags

After exploring red flags, toxic patterns, and attachment wounds — here's what the research says a healthy relationship actually looks like. Use this as a compass.

Published: February 8, 2026

What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?

We spend a lot of time talking about red flags — and for good reason. But if you've grown up with insecure attachment, dysfunction can feel so "normal" that you genuinely don't know what healthy looks like. A secure relationship can feel "boring" to someone whose nervous system is calibrated for chaos.

This checklist draws on three major frameworks: Gottman's Sound Relationship House, Stan Tatkin's PACT model of secure functioning, and Sue Johnson's ARE model of emotional responsiveness. It's not about perfection — no relationship hits every item all the time. It's about the overall pattern.

Emotional Safety

You can express your needs without fear of punishment or withdrawal
Disagreements feel uncomfortable but not dangerous — you know the relationship will survive them
Your partner responds to your distress with empathy, not dismissal or irritation
You don't walk on eggshells — you can be yourself without monitoring their mood
Vulnerability is met with care, not weaponised later during arguments

Based on Sue Johnson's ARE model: Accessibility — "Can I reach you?"

Communication & Conflict

Conflicts involve "soft starts" — bringing up issues without blame or contempt
Both partners can take accountability and genuinely apologise when wrong
The Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) are absent or quickly repaired
You can say "I need a break" during a heated conversation and your partner respects it
After a rupture, there is always repair — disagreements end in resolution, not avoidance

Based on Gottman's research — see our full guide on the Four Horsemen of Relationships.

Trust & Commitment

The relationship's existence is never used as a threat — "I'm leaving" is never a weapon
You are each other's "go-to person" — the first to hear important news, good or bad
Transparency is the default — no hidden relationships, secret finances, or double lives
Commitments are kept — words match actions consistently over time
You trust them with your vulnerability because they've earned that trust through behaviour, not just words

Based on Tatkin's PACT model: protect the "couple bubble" — the mutual agreement that the relationship comes first.

Independence & Growth

Both partners maintain their own friendships, hobbies, and interests
Your world has expanded since the relationship started — more confidence, more connections, not fewer
You can spend time apart without anxiety or guilt
Your partner encourages your personal growth, even when it challenges the status quo
Boundaries are respected — "no" is an acceptable answer, not a betrayal

This is interdependence — the healthy middle ground between codependency and avoidant isolation.

Emotional Responsiveness

Your partner notices when something is wrong — even when you haven't said anything
Bids for connection ("Look at this", "How was your day?") are met with engagement, not dismissal
You feel genuinely seen and known by your partner — not just the version of you they want
Physical affection is consistent and mutual, not used as a reward or withheld as punishment
You feel more like yourself in this relationship, not less

Based on Sue Johnson's ARE model: Responsiveness and Engagement.

Shared Meaning & Purpose

You share long-term goals and values — even if the specifics differ
You support each other's dreams, even when they don't directly benefit you
Decisions are made collaboratively — power is shared, not hoarded
You have rituals of connection — inside jokes, routines, traditions that are "yours"
The relationship feels like a partnership facing the world together, not a competition

Based on Gottman's seventh level: Creating Shared Meaning.

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How to Use This Checklist

This isn't a pass/fail test. No relationship hits every item all the time. The purpose is to help you calibrate your expectations — especially if you've spent time in unhealthy relationships and aren't sure what "normal" looks like.

If you recognise most of these in your relationship

You're in a good place. Focus on the areas where there's room for growth, and keep investing in the connection.

If several feel unfamiliar

That's not necessarily a crisis — but it's information worth exploring. Consider whether the gaps are about skill (can be learned) or about willingness (much harder to change). Couples therapy can help identify which.

If you recognise very few

Compare this list to our guides on narcissistic relationship signs, trauma bonding, and the Four Horsemen. Understanding what's going wrong is the first step to deciding what to do about it.

If you're single and using this as a template

Good. Knowing what you're looking for — and refusing to settle for less — is itself a sign of earned security. Understanding your attachment style will help you recognise both the green flags and the red ones faster.

The Goal: Earned Security

Attachment style is not a fixed destiny. Adults who grew up with insecure attachment — anxious, avoidant, or disorganised — can develop earned secure attachment through self-awareness, therapy, and consistently safe relationships.

This process involves creating what Daniel Siegel calls a coherent narrative — understanding how your childhood shaped you and developing the "response flexibility" to react thoughtfully rather than automatically to relational triggers.

Relational health is a skill-based practice. By recognising the patterns described across our relationship psychology guides — from limerence to the anxious-avoidant trap to love bombing — you can implement the proven strategies of repair, boundary-setting, and emotional engagement to build bonds that are truly resilient.

Frequently Asked Questions

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What does a healthy relationship look like?

A healthy relationship is built on mutual trust, respect, and emotional responsiveness. Both partners feel safe to be vulnerable, can disagree without threatening the relationship, maintain their individual identities, and actively invest in understanding each other's inner world. It doesn't mean conflict-free — it means conflicts are repaired, both voices matter, and the relationship makes both people's lives bigger, not smaller.

What are green flags in a relationship?

Green flags include: they respect your boundaries without guilt-tripping; they take accountability when they're wrong; they're consistently warm (not just during love bombing); they encourage your independence and friendships; they handle conflict with curiosity rather than contempt; they make you feel safe, not anxious; and their words match their actions over time.

Can an unhealthy relationship become healthy?

Yes, if both partners are willing to do the work. "Earned security" — transitioning from insecure to secure attachment — is well-documented in research. It requires mutual awareness of the unhealthy patterns, willingness to try new behaviours, and often professional support through couples therapy (EFT or PACT). The critical question: are both partners genuinely committed to change, or is only one doing the work?

What is Gottman's Sound Relationship House?

Gottman's model describes seven levels of a healthy relationship: (1) Love Maps — knowing each other's inner world; (2) Fondness and Admiration — expressing appreciation; (3) Turning Toward — responding to bids for connection; (4) Positive Perspective — giving benefit of the doubt; (5) Managing Conflict — healthy disagreement; (6) Making Life Dreams Come True — supporting each other's goals; (7) Creating Shared Meaning — building a shared narrative and purpose. Trust and commitment form the foundation.

What is secure functioning in a relationship?

Secure functioning is Stan Tatkin's PACT model where both partners agree to protect the "couple bubble" — a mutual agreement that the relationship comes first. Key principles include: no threats to the relationship's existence, full transparency, shared decision-making, and being each other's "go-to person." It doesn't mean losing independence; it means building a partnership where both people feel fundamentally safe.

How do I know if my relationship is healthy?

Ask yourself: Do I feel safe to express my needs? Can we disagree without it becoming destructive? Do I maintain my own identity, friendships, and interests? Does my partner take responsibility when they're wrong? Do I feel more confident and expansive since this relationship started? If you answer "yes" to most of these, your relationship likely has a healthy foundation. Our <a href="/attachment-style-quiz">Attachment Style Quiz</a> can give you more insight.

What is the ARE model?

Sue Johnson's ARE model measures three dimensions of emotional responsiveness: Accessibility ("Can I reach you?"), Responsiveness ("Will you respond to my emotional needs?"), and Engagement ("Are you fully present with me?"). These three questions form a simple check-in for the health of your emotional bond. If you can answer "yes" to all three consistently, the relationship has a strong emotional foundation.

Is it normal to have conflict in a healthy relationship?

Yes — in fact, Gottman's research shows that 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual (never fully resolved) because they stem from fundamental personality differences. Healthy couples don't avoid conflict; they manage it without the "Four Horsemen" (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling). The presence of conflict isn't the problem — the absence of repair is.

What is earned security?

Earned security is the process of developing a secure attachment style in adulthood, even if your childhood attachment was insecure. It involves reflecting on your past, creating a coherent narrative of how your childhood shaped you, and deliberately practising new relational behaviours. It's typically facilitated by therapy or by a consistently secure relationship that provides a "corrective emotional experience."

What is the difference between interdependence and codependency?

Interdependence means two whole people choosing to share their lives while maintaining their own identities, boundaries, and emotional autonomy. Codependency means one or both partners lose their sense of self in the process of caring for the other. In interdependence, you can say "no" without guilt. In codependency, saying "no" feels like betrayal. See our full guide on <a href="/codependent-relationship-signs">codependent relationship signs</a>.

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